Sweet Transvestite
by alenya121
Summary: A trilogy oneshot type thingy. Yet again, James is trying to win Lily over. But this time, Lily has the upper hand. Will James publically make a fool of himself yet again? Probably. Crossdressing James, spaztic pimping Sirius, and boa crazed Peter inside!
1. The Plan

Summary: A sort-of oneshot in three chapters. Yet again, James is trying to win over Lily's affections. But this time, Lily may have the upper hand. Will James make a fool of himself yet again? Probably. More of Sirius being crazy!

Rated T to be on the safe side.

A/N: yes, I am currently procrastinating on my two novel fics. If more people would read them and review, new chapters would be posted sooner…but, now for your enjoyment and my procrastination purposes, I give you my very first oneshot!

Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling. I own any characters you don't recognize (Elana). Blah blah blah. I also don't own "Rocky Horror Picture Show" or anything associated with it. Except the soundtrack, which obviously inspired this story

o.O

Ch. 1: The Plan

"Hey, Evans."

"Mmm?"

"Evans?"

"What, Potter?"

"Go out with me?"

"No."

"Why?"

Lily looked up from her textbook. James Potter was smiling in what he seemed to think was coy and irresistible. To Lily Evans, she found it to be yet another annoyance on her huge-mongous list of Annoying Potter Things.

"Because I hate you, Pot-head," Lily said, looking back at her book.

"Why?"

Lily rolled her eyes and looked up again. The smile was replaced by a slightly pathetic puppy-dog look that could easily have been stolen from Sirius. And it probably was.

"Because you're an ass and don't know when to bugger off."

"That's just part of my charm though. C'mon, Evans. Inside, I know you're dying to say yes."

"No, actually, inside I'm dying to kill you. Now shut up and let me finish my reading."

Silence.

"Now will you go out with me?"

Lily shrieked in frustration. Leaving her things, she sped out of the common room and up the girls' staircase. James watched her go, longing to follow her and…well, he hadn't quite gotten that far. He would be perfectly happy with a date. Or a kiss. Or a shag. Yeah, he'd like to be shagged by Lily.

"Do you see why the poor man needs help?"

James looked up to see Sirius and Remus appear two feet away from him. His Invisibility Cloak lay at their feet.

"How long have you been there?" James demanded.

"Long enough to see you spectacularly dumped by Lily for…what is it, Remus, the six hundredth time?"

"Roughly six hundred and eighteen give or take a fewunpublisized battles."

"You lot have been keeping track!" James asked incredulously. "Great, at least my best mates are getting a laugh out of my demise."

"Why don't you get some help?" Remus tried to help.

"Like who? Face it, unless Lily suffers severe brain damage, she's never going to agree to date me."

"Hey…" Sirius said, the little light bulb above his head going off.

"No," Remus cut him off. "James didn't mean that literally."

"I know," Sirius said, hiding the baseball bat he had just conjured. "What if we talked to Elle?"

Elle had been Lily's best friend since before Hogwarts, when they grew up together as next-door neighbors. Elle was a slightly more gregarious copy of Lily; she enjoyed reading and got good marks just like Lily, but tended to be more outspoken and daring. Once at Hogwarts, she had automatically taken a shine to Quidditch and now played Beater on the Gryffindor team, meaning she more that tolerated the boys' presence.

"You just want her to take a shine to you," James accused. Sirius grinned mischievously. Sirius had always coveted his unattainable-yet-adored dating status. Yet lately, James had noticed Sirius paying more attention to the tall brunette.

"Sirius might have a point though," Remus mused. "Elle is the closest link you have to Lily who will actually carry on a conversation with you."

"Are you both forgetting?" James asked. "We've already tried this. Elle sides with Lily and she refuses to help."

"I think I can persuade her," Sirius waggled his eyebrows.

o.O

Lily slammed the dorm room door. Elle looked up from her novel, her mouth, which had been forming the lyrics of an ABBA song, frowned at the redhead.

"What's up, chiquita?" she asked. Her dark brown hair hung to her mid back and herblue-green eyes looked quizzically at her from out of her pale face.

"Potter," Lily seethed.

"Ah," Elle said knowingly, setting aside her book. "What'd he do this time?"

"Asked me out. Again."

"Six hundred and eighteen then," Elle muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Silence. Lily chucked a pillow at the wall behind her best friend. "Why is he so…eurgh!"

"That was poetic." Lily glared at her.

"He only wants me because I'm the only girl in Hogwarts who doesn't worship the toilet he pisses in," she seethed.

"I don't do that," Elle reminded.

"Well, you're friends with him. And of course Sirius fancies you."

Elle sighed heavily. "He is such an arse," she mumbled. "Last practice, y'know when it was raining, he bewitched mud balls to act like Bludgers. And when I tried to tell James, the sexist, egotistical prick did absolutely nothing!"

"Prats, the lot of them," Lily agreed.

There was a knock on the door. Elle went to answer it, leaving Lily to stew. Suddenly, there was a yelp, a slam, and muffled yelling. Lily turned. Elle was gone.

o.O

When Elle had opened the door, she had only caught a glimpse of a guy in a chicken mask and trench coat before a cloth bag was put over her head. She tried to yell for Lily as she felt herself be thrown over a shoulder, but her voice wouldn't sound. Her capturer proceeded to run off with his hostage to…the boys' dormitory (dun dun dun!)

"Got her?" she heard a voice say.

"Yeah," the chicken guy responded.

"Put her down."

Elle felt herself be lowered into a chair. There was a faint light and she felt herself be bound to the chair.

"Prongs, I didn't mean for you to do it like this," a third boy said.

"She won't cooperate any other way."

"But did you have to cover her face with boxers?"

"EEW!" Elle's voice finally shrieked; the chicken guy had removed the boxer. Elle opened her eyes to see the filthy dormitory of the Marauders. A bright lamp was focused on her face. James was standing in front of her, the guy in the chicken mask beside him, the boxers in his hands. Remus was lingering in the shadow, clucking his disapproval. "Those had better be clean by the way," she finished.

"There're mine," the chicken guy said. Elle suspected he was grinning behind his mask.

"Sirius, mate, take off that ridiculous thing. It was bad enough you insisted on wearing it," Remus piped in. Sirius obliged and revealed his smirking face.

"It's just so damn attractive though," he studied the rubber thing. "Tell me you weren't orgasmic when you saw me in that mask."

"I wasn't orgasmic when I saw you," Elle said. "Although it was a real improvement over your normal look."

Sirius clucked his tongue. "Now, dear, you keep flirting with me like that and I'll have to shag you right now in front of our friends."

"God save us," Remus mumbled. Sirius turned and grinned.

"Remus, you great prude," Sirius clapped him on the back in what he thought was friendly. "I love you, but you need to be more comfortable with your masculinity."

"That's enough," James finally spoke. "Now," he directed the lamp into her eyes. "Sing, chickadee."

Elle looked quizzically at him, and then smirked. "Ask any of the chickies in my pen. They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother…hen. I love them all and all of them love me. Because the system works, the system called…reciprocity!" she sang.

"I didn't mean literally sing," James rolled his eyes.

"Then what's the big reason you have for Sirius kidnapping me?"

"Well, actually, he volunteered to do that himself." Elle glared at Sirius, who nodded at her. "Help me."

Elle looked back at James. He looked genuine. She sighed. "With what, dare I ask?"

"Lily."

Silence.

"You're joking."

James looked around, uncertain. "No…"

"Lily hates you."

"…I know."

"I barely tolerate you."

"I know."

"So what reason in hell could you possibly give me that would convince me to help you?"

James struggled. "Because…I love her. You might not believe me and I would understand that. Hell, I didn't believe it at first myself. It started out as a joke, but now it really kills me when she turns me down. I think, if she would just give me one chance…one date…I think I might be able to prove I'm not as bad as you two think."

Silence. Elle inhaled deeply, and then sighed.

"That was a big talk you just had," she commented. More silence. "You're lucky I'm so forgiving. I'll help you."

James looked at her in shock. "You're joking?"

"Wish I was. Apparently, I'm mental today. But yeah, I'll help you but only a bit. I still like Lily more than you."

"What about me?" Sirius asked suavely.

"I like you least of all," Elle said. "You captured me, remember?"

"I still think you are secretly turned on by my manhandling you," Sirius waggled his eyebrows.

"So," James said, interrupting Sirius, "how would you suggest me getting in with Lily?"

"First off, I'd prefer a different way of referring to this than 'getting in with Lily'. It sounds like you're going to rape her and that is not something I want to be associated with," Elle said. "Second, untie me please."

"Hell, no," James burst. "You don't think I know you'll make a break for it?"

"Plus, I always thought you were the kinky type," Sirius waggled his eyebrows again.

"Sirius!" Remus reddened. "Could you stop with the sexual innuendos for half a minute and be serious?"

"I am Sirius!" Sirius said jovially. He was the only one in the room who burst into laughter. "I crack me up."

"You're the only one who laughs at that joke," Elle said. Addressing James, "Currently, Lily thinks this is some prolonged prank you're trying to play on her. I think the only way you're even going to get her to consider you as anything other than an enemy would be to…make a complete fool of yourself in front of a crowd."

Silence.

"You're joking," James said in a stupor.

"No," Elle responded. "Look, she finds you to be an egotistical, cocky arse,"

"Brutal," Sirius interrupted.

"She and I think the same about you so I don't know why you're talking," Elle rebutted before continuing. "You need to prove that you aren't that by being the butt of a couple jokes. After that, you can appeal to her and show her that your head is slightly deflated."

James looked irritated. "So what do you think I should do," he said in measured tones, his mouth clenched; he was obviously not happy with how this was going. Elle considered for a while.

"Well…I know on of her favorite movies is 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'…maybe you could do a sing and dance routine to one of the songs?" Elle suggested.

"You're joking," James said again.

"No," Elle said. "Look, I've had a bit of experience in the theatre and I've seen 'Rocky Horror' about a million times. I'll help you through every step, choreographing, directing, auditions if necessary. Because, honestly, if you went at this alone you'd probably fuck this up too."

"Any more insults or would you like me to cut you from the team right now?" James muttered half-heartedly.

"That's no way to treat your new director," Elle scolded. "Are you up for it?" Sighing, James mumbled a reluctant 'yeah' and slumped down on his bed. "Now, if someone would care to untie me, I'd like to go to bed."

"Not until you pay for my services," Sirius said.

"And what service was that?" Elle asked.

"Why, fetching you for this enriching conversation."

"Rather crudely, I might add," Elle muttered. "All right, I'll bite. What do I owe?"

"Oh, perhaps a few sexual favors?" Sirius made to sit on her lap, but the prudish Remus had anticipated this and quickly released the girl with a flick of his wand. Elle slapped Sirius and stormed out of the room. Sirius nursed his red cheek and turned on Remus.

"Moony, you great virgin, you killed any chance I had with her!" he accused.

"Any chance you had with any girl was destroyed long ago without my help," Remus said. "And is calling me a virgin supposed to be an insult?"

"Chh, yeah," Sirius said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

o.O

When Elle walked into her dorm, Lily was still awake, reading Elle's novel. Hearing the door shut, Lily looked up in earnest.

"He buy it?" she asked excitedly.

"Yeah," Elle grinned mischievously.

o.O

A/N: I will hypnotize you now. _Waves chain with stone_. Reeeeviewwww. You want to reeeevieeeew. It is your sole purpose in life to read and review all my fics. _Snaps fingers._ What do you feel like doing?


	2. Practice

A/N: Hmm…I suppose I shall keep going with this oneshot. The only reason I broke it into three chapters was for ease of reading. You can keep the stages straight this way.

Disclaimer: it's so depressing. I own nothing besides Elle. Sniff.

o.O

Ch. 2: Practice

"So what song are we doing?"

It was breakfast the next morning. The second Elle and Lily walked into the Great Hall, Elle was called over by James under the guise of a Quidditch meeting. Lily gave in rather quickly, only complaining for a bit about how she'd have to eat alone like an idiot and why the hell do boys have to talk about Quidditch at breakfast when there isn't a game.

"Time warp!" Sirius burst out. Elle looked at his in surprise.

"You know the time warp?" she asked.

"Who doesn't? After all…it's just a jump to the left!" Sirius jumped in his seat.

"And then a step to the right!" Elle sang back, both she and Sirius doing the dance.

"You put your hands on your hips," Sirius commanded.

"And lock your knees in tight! But it's the pelvic thrusts that really drive you insa-a-a-ane!" they sang in harmony.

"Let's do the time warp again!" Elle punched the air.

"Oh, God, please no," Remus was hanging his head as if he didn't want to be associated with the lunatics he was conveniently sitting across from.

"That sounds like fun. Can we do that song?" James asked.

"No, there's this really high, really jumbled part in the middle of the song that even I can't get. I was actually thinking 'Sweet Transvestite'."

"Doesn't sound too promising," Remus mumbled.

"Sounds a little too out there. I'm not doing any song called 'Sweet Transvestite'!" James exclaimed.

"It's a good song. It's easy to sing, relatively easy to choreography, and there aren't many parts to fill. Us five take care of main parts I think."

"No. No, no, and no. I am having no part in this outrageous scheme," Remus proclaimed.

"Please, Moony," James begged. "I need you for moral support."

"It'll be tons of fun," Sirius promised.

"I've got the perfect part for you. All you have to do is stand on the side for most of the song and you have one small, rhyming speaking part. You don't have to sing or dance or make a fool of yourself in the least."

Remus considered this. "I'll get back to you," he concluded and returned to his meal.

"So how about it?" Elle asked James.

"Fine," James sighed. "But after this public humiliation stunt and Lily still won't give me the time of day, I'll make you regret you ever did this."

"No you won't. Sirius will protect me," Elle said. "Won't you, darling?" she whispered in a soft, sultry voice, brushing her lips on his ear. She stood and walked to join Lily; Sirius watched her go, hypnotized by her swinging hips.

"That…bitch," he muttered breathlessly.

"Tell me about it," James grumbled.

o.O

"Okay, you lot," Elle clapped her hands. "We only have today to get this down. So let's get down to business." She pulled out a clipboard. "James, you're Dr. Frank-N-Furter, the main singing transvestite. Sirius…"

"Ha, ha, Prongsie's a trannie!" Sirius started jumping around James and singing. "Prongsie's a trannie! Prongsie's a trannie! Prongsie's a trannie! Prongsie's a tr – oomph."

Elle had caught Sirius by the tail of his robes and dragged the pouting boy away. "Sirius, you're three characters in one. You're Riff Raff, a band member, and part of the chorus. Stand over there and for God's sakes, no dancing." For Sirius had started his song and dance over again.

"But I'm practicing!" Sirius whined.

"Peter, you're Columiba, another band member, and the other part of the chorus. Both you and Sirius will be fake-playing instruments in the background. Chose keyboard or guitar."

"GUITAR!" Sirius yelled. "It's sexier."

Elle rolled her eyes. "Remus, you're playing Brad Majors and I'm your fiancé Janet Weiss."

Sirius' jaw dropped. "Oooo…" he grinned manically. "Remus and Ellie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-don't-know-the-rest."

"Shut it," James muttered, looking at the sheet of lyrics. "Bloody hell, I'm gay!"

"Well then this whole Lily scheme is sort of a waste," Sirius said.

"You mork. My character is gay," James clarified. "How, may I ask, is a song about a gay transvestite going to win me the affections of a girl?"

"I'm afraid all questions will have to be given in triplicate. Now learn your lyrics," Elle commanded. "As I was saying, Remus, our parts are deathly simple. Here's your lines," Elle handed him a strip of parchment.

"I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry," Remus read.

"Right."

"Janet, right. We'll just…"

"No, no. That's was my line."

"What was?" Remus looked confused.

"Right."

"What, was?"

"No. I say right."

"So I say Janet?"

"No."

"Well, why's it written there then?"

"To let you know when I say my line."

"Which is 'right'?"

"Right."

"Well, you've got your part memorized," James spoke up. "This is going to take me all bloody morning."

"Good thing its Saturday, eh?" Elle said brightly. "Well, I'll leave you lot to it. I'm going to go get costumes."

"Oooo!" Sirius clapped his hands. "Can I go, can I go, can I go, pleeeeease?" he begged like a little five-year-old girl.

"Whatever," Elle shrugged. "Pete, you wanna join?"

"Sure," Peter said, coming to stand beside the two.

"Be back in a mo," Elle said to Remus and James, who were busily studying their lines.

o.O

"We need boas!"

This was Sirius' brilliant conclusion as he honed in on a wall of feather boas. Elle had taken the two boys to a Muggle costume shop, which was having quite an effect on both of them. Apparently, outlandish clothing had a drug-like effect on Padfoot.

"Yes, boas and large sunglasses!" Peter agreed, donning said items and striking what he thought was a supermodel stance but really looked like someone stuck a drumstick up his butt.

"Oo, pimp hats. I want a pimp hat!" Sirius plopped an obnoxious furry green fedora on his face and pulled a bad vogue-like stance. "Tutus! James needs a tutu!"

"He's a transvestite, not a crossdresser," Elle tried not to laugh as Sirius pulled a gauzy, periwinkle blue tutu over Peter's head.

"But it goes so well with the boa!" Peter whined, admiring himself in a mirror Sirius held up.

"Who says he can't be both?" Sirius pointed out.

Elle threw up her hands. "Fine, but I'm telling James you picked it out."

"Fair enough. Now I need a pimp outfit…" Sirius ran down another isle. "I found candy!" he howled.

"Oh, no…" Elle charged after him and managed to wrestle the pixie sticks away before Sirius inhaled them.

o.O

Roughly an hour later, Elle burst back into the abandoned classroom/practice room where she had left James and Remus. Sirius and Peter trailed after her, wearing their outfits and carrying James'.

Sirius would not be parted with his fuzzy pimp hat. It now sat on his head, jauntily tilted to one side. Aviator sunglasses hid his eyes and a matching lime green and pink cape donned his shoulders. Peter, after much debate at the boa wall, decided on a fuchsia and white-feathered boa and fuchsia oversized glasses that were practically eating his face.

"What do you have on?" James asked incredulously.

"Our costumes! We look hot, I must say," Sirius said, striking his model pose again.

"Here's yours," Peter said brightly, shoving a bag into his bewildered arms. James reluctantly put in his hand, his face contorting as he pulled out the periwinkle tutu.

"A tutu?" he asked.

"With matching boa!" Peter said eagerly, wrapping the boa around James' neck.

"No," he said simply.

"It was Sirius," Elle hid her sniggers behind her hand.

"No. No, no, a thousand times no! Do I have to be a gay, cross-dressing transvestite?" he complained.

"If you want Lily's attention, you do," Elle said.

"I'm about to go hang myself by this boa," James said darkly.

"No!" Peter yelled, trying to wrench the feathers off James' neck, choking him in the process. "Not the poor, innocent boa! What did it ever do to you?"

"I'm not really, Pete," James managed, pulling himself free of Peter's grasp. Peter pouted and walked over to his keyboard, pounding out 'Chopsticks' as loudly as he could.

"Right. Did you get your lines down?" Elle asked.

"Nearly," James said.

"Do I have to wear that?" Remus asked warily.

"No. You and I get to wear normal Muggle clothing."

"Thank goodness," Remus smiled in relief.

"Care to switch?" he asked Remus hopefully.

"Not a chance, Prongs."

o.O

A/N: Now, you can either submit a review or keep going with the story. Its up to you and your morals. The debate of the century, if you ask me. Either way, pick your path (and button) wisely…


	3. The Performance

A/N: so…you decided to continue with the story, eh? Very well…

Disclaimer: see previous chapter

o.O

Ch. 3: Performance

It took all day, but the boys finally learned all their blocking, lines, and choreography. All four Marauders collapsed in their respective beds when Elle finally called in a day. Elle, however, knew she had a full night ahead of her yet.

The next morning, James was the first to wake. This was a rare occurrence and the first strange thing to happen that morning.

The second was the pink flier James saw on his forehead. He ripped it off and read it:

**Elana and the Marauders **

**Present**

'**Sweet Transvestite'**

**to be held in the seventh-floor, opposite the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.**

**Come early to claim a spot**

**3:00 pm **

**Today only**

Under this, Elle's handwriting seemed to grin innocently at him.

_I want see all you in costume at 1 for a final run-through. _

James tossed his pillow at Sirius. The latter snorted unflatteringly and sat up.

"Eh? Wha…what's the floaty pink thing?" Sirius said drowsily. James looked at him and saw Sirius too had a flier on his forehead. Looking around, he noted Remus and Peter were still asleep, pink notes on their heads as well.

"I wonder how late Elle was up putting these up," James said, swinging his feet out of bed. He rummaged around for a clean set of clothes. "Might as well go find out where all she's put them. C'mon Padfoot."

Snores greeted him; Padfoot had crashed again, face down in his pillow. James rolled his eyes and stepped out of his dormitory. He was halted in his tracks.

The common room had turned pink.

Actually, it was thousands of Elle's pink fliers hung on every inch of exposed wall. Even the bulletin board was a singe, superimposed advertisement for the show. James closed his eyes, debating whether he should follow Sirius' example and go back to bed. Unfortunately, the other occupants, upon seeing a Marauder, decided to mob him with questions. James waded through the lower classes, giving non-committal answers to their burning questions. All he wanted to do was get to the Great Hall for breakfast and get away from Elle's mad ads.

There was no escape, as James quickly discovered; Elle hadn't confined her fliers to just the common room. Trails of pink lined the corridors and many doors had at least five posters on them, all bearing the same heading.

Did I forget to mention James hates the color pink?

o.O

By 3 o'clock, nearly all of Hogwarts had gathered in the now-massive Room of Requirement; Elle had charmed it to grow as needed until the audience was comfortable seated and the stage was not encroached on.

Elle stepped onto the stage and magically modified her voice. "Hello and welcome to the Marauder's performance of Rocky Horror Picture Show's 'Sweet Transvestite'!" her loud voice boomed over the heads of the students. "We ask you to refrain from photography and spell casting during the performance. In case of a fire…well, we're probably all screwed unless someone actually learned that water-producing spell Flitwick taught us. Anyway, we'll start in a few minutes. Thank you."

Elle stepped off and went into a second room, a makeshift dressing area and green room. She tried not to laugh at the boys' costumes. "You all ready?" she asked.

"Let's get this over with," James muttered, brushing past her. Sirius bounced after, guitar in hand. Peter trailed Sirius, adjusting his huge sunglasses, and Remus and Elle, looking quite plain in comparison, brought up the rear.

The audience burst into laughter the second James stepped onstage. How could they not when the hottest guy in Hogwarts was currently outfitted in a periwinkle tutu and matching feather boa. The laughter only increased as the green pimp Sirius and fuchia-boaed Peter took their places behind him. Remus and Elle took their places off to the side. James conjured up a microphone and the musical intro kicked in.

(A/N: the performance will be typed in script-style for writing ease. Action is in parenthesis)

James: How do you do I / see you've met my / faithful handyman/ he's just a little brought down because / when you knocked/ he thought you were the candy man / (swings mic on cord, grabs it and sings next line) Don't get strung out by the way I look / don't judge a book by its cover / I'm not much of a man by the light of day / but by night I'm one hell of a lover / (moonwalks backward, plays with boa) I'm just a sweet transvestite / from Transsexual / Transylvania! (360 spin around) / Let me show you around maybe / play you a sound / you look like you're both pretty groovy / or if you want something visual / that's not to abysmal (humps air on 'not to abysmal) / we could take in an old Steve Reeves movie

Remus: I'm glad we caught you at home / could we use your phone/ we're both in a bit of a hurry

Elana: Right

Remus: We'll just say where we are and go back to the car / we don't want to be any worry

James: (dances/walks over to Remus and Elle, puts arms around their shoulders) Well you got caught with a flat, well / how bout that/ Well, babies (grips Elle's chin) don't you panic (tickles Remus with boa end, walks off) / by the light of the night it'll all / seem alright / I'll get you a satanic mechanic / (turns upstage, struts/gangsta walks upstage) I'm just a sweet transvestite / from Transsexual / Transylvania / why don't you (turns sharply around at the waist) stay for the night?

Sirius: (runs forward on previous line, pops over James' right shoulder) Night!

James: Or maybe (takes step downstage) a bite?

Peter: (runs forward on previous line, pops over James' left shoulder, clicks jaw) Bite!

James: I could show you my favorite…(leans over to Lily sitting in front row) obsession (grins suggestively, Elle smacks forehead; this was not what she told him to do!) / I've been making a man / with blonde hair (smoothes hair seductively) and a tan (moves hands down body) / And he's good for relieving my…(taps Lily on nose) tension (Elle looks like she was to smack her face into the wall and kill James) / (moonwalks backward, swinging mic from cord again) I'm just a sweet transvestite / from Transsexual / Transylvania/ (falls to knees, headbanging) Hit it! Hit it/ I'm just a sweet transvestite

Sirius and Peter: (now back in their spots, in falsetto) Sweet Transvestite!

James: From Transsexual

Sirius and Peter: (thoroughly jamming) Transylvania!

James: So...(runs up stairs onstage) come up to the lab and / (lies luxuriously on stone slab) see what's on the slab / I see you shiver with anticip…(thrusts, relaxes with end of line) pation / but maybe the rain (sits up on 'rain') / isn't really to blame / so I'll remove the cause (James starts to exit stage left, stops, laughs low and dangerously) / but not the symptom!

(James strikes 'superstar' pose on musical flourish, Sirius destroys guitar rock-style by smacking it on ground, Elle is in tears now because her play was ruined, Remus is trying to sooth her while acting like he was not affiliated with this embarrassing disaster)

The room exploded in applause, except for Lily who looked like she had been Petrified when James sang to her. Elle waited two seconds, then lunged at James. It took the rest of the Marauders to keep her from pummeling him.

"Dressing room. Now," she said though clenched teeth. "Get off me!" she wriggled out of the boys' grasp and charged after a cocky James. Once all four Marauders were inside, she slammed the door shut and turned on James. "What…the hell…was that?" she forced a smile.

"I was…acting," James said, pulling a dramatic face. "I was in…" he folded his hands yoga-style with his eyes closed, "…the zone. Hyah!" he did a crazy praying mantis kung-fu stance and chopped Peter on the shoulder blade. "Sorry Wormtail," he apologized as Peter collapsed to the ground.

"I thought we were good," Sirius shrugged. "I miss Leroy."

"Leroy?" Remus asked.

"My guitar. I named him," Sirius sobbed. "He was so amazing. The good always die young!" he wailed, putting his head down on a table.

"You and…Leroy…were great. It's this git I'm pissed at!" Elle yelled at James.

"Leroy didn't like it when you yelled," Sirius said in between sobs.

"Too bloody bad. I –– oh, hey Lily," Elle said, greeting the redhead who just walked in. James, who was sulking slightly at Elle's harsh tone perked up.

"Hey Evans, what'd you think?" he asked. The redhead looked possessed as she walked over to James, bent down, and kissed him on the cheek. "Er…that good, eh?" James grinned happily.

Lily seemed to get hold of herself. Her face contorted into shock, she slapped James on the cheek she had just kissed, and ran out of the room. James touched his cheek gingerly. He couldn't tell if the burning sensation was from the kiss or the smack.

"You win some, you lose some, Prongs," Remus said wisely.

"What do you mean?" James asked, dazedly looking at the closed door.

"You got a kiss from your crush, but she's a psycho!" Sirius suggested.

"Kind of, but…"

"LEROY!" Sirius wailed again, interrupting Remus.

"I think I won this time though," James said dreamily.

o.O

A/N: If you are reading this, it means you have completed 'Sweet Transvestite' and are now legally obligated to submit an intelligent review to ALL of my stories. Failure to do so will invoke the wrath of my mafia of schizophrenic goblins who eat non-reviewers. Don't think for a second that you can fool the goblins. NO ONE CAN FOOL THE GOBLINS! MWA HA HA HA HA!

No seriously. Review. And go read my other storied and review on them. I have the next chapters for them all written. It's up to you when I post. And I've got all the time in the world….

Obscure Review Topic: Pretzels. Tasty salty treat or knots of doom?


End file.
